When will we fall down...

She said I'm fine, I'm okay cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left
For the last time conscience calls
For a good friend I was never there at all
When will we fall
When will we fall down

Jump back, got to get out of here
Been too long this time
Jump back, got to get out of here
When will, when will we fall down

****

It's interesting how much music influences our lives, even if you can't play, read, or sing a note. Music is related to my memories. All the songs I hear bring back some sort of memory, even if it is just the fact that I remember it playing on VH1 in my high school art class. Well, on the way home I hear the above song. Two of the few people who read this blog will know 1. what the song is, 2. who recorded the song, and 3. some of the memories I also feel.

This song brings back some (still) raw emotion for me. It reminds me of a friend. A friend I called my younger brother, a friend who I was there for so many times and who let me down - hard, and fast. This guy was significantly younger than me (that's why we had the little brother/big sister thing going...that and the fact that neither of us had that type of sibling). Anyway, I befriended this guy, found him to be a great person, and thought he would be a good try-out for the band Jeff, Lloyd, and Luke were trying to re-form. Well, he fit. Amazingly enough, at the time, all four of us thought we could mold and shape him into what we all wanted...the guys wanted a good singer and I wanted a good friend.

He turned out to be neither. Actually, what I perceived as depth in his personality I found to be extremely shallow and easily swayed. Imagine jumping into a 2 ft. pool thinking it is a 20ft one. Yeah, I got hurt. It still hurts.

The four of us found out that we were terribly wrong about everything we thought we had found in this individual. The guys had to finally had to make a decision to cut him from the band because his heart wasn't into it. He wasn't trying to be what they needed. Even the covers he wanted to try, like this song, he was incapable of garnering enough interest to be able to sing them without sounding like what a dog's ass must sound when he scoots it across the carpet.

A couple years later, I learned, the hard way, that I he wasn't the close friend I thought he was.

I have let these feelings go for a long time. After he was cut from the band, I maintained contact with him and eventually brought him back around, full circle to all four of us. We were all back together and good friends. Then, when my friend was having some major changes and troubles in his life, I was there for him. I called him on a day that no one else did; I had him over to my home to feed and talk with him. Both Jeff and I opened our hearts and our doors to him. So, the friendship went on.

Towards the last six months I was in contact with this guy, he met another girl (which a girl was his major problem before this). I got all these questions from him, both sober and drunk, "should I go out with her?", "do you think it is too early to move in with her?", "am I being too possessive with her?"...the list goes on. Well, I wasn't fond of the new girl from the start, but I gave her a chance. I tried to weigh the options with him, both positive and negative. I offered my advice without the candy coating. He listened and appreciated my advice, but he got in deep with this girl. He was in so deep that he wasn't looking back.

So, months go by and Jeff and I are meeting this couple as a couple (eating dinner and such). We are all supposed to be good friends, right? I find out some information on the girl that is on a public docket, and it is nothing to be upset about, and she went ballistic that I knew and tried to help her. I get this nasty message from her on Myspace very late one night after coming in from a band gig. I played the safe road and apologized if I had offended her. I did not apologize for my actions - only for offending her.

Well, after that. Guess what? No contact from either of them. I tried emailing or messaging this guy a couple more times over the course of months. The first one was civil, decent, and let him know I was concerned. The next one was a little more irritated, and the third was just a down-right "screw you" message. I was provoking him and challenging him to contact me. He didn't. HE IS SPINELESS. So, this girl was able to walk all over him to the point that he changed his friends, his life path, his ideas and ideals, and his entire being. This girl didn't seem the one to stay around for anything more than two years. So, in the summer of 2009, I wonder if he will still have her and his child around. That used to worry me. Now it is just sad.

After all of this, I was upset. Then I got pissed. Then I was hurt. Until now, I finally let it go. I was able to tell myself that I was not losing a friend. A friend would have stayed a friend regardless of a petty disagreement. Until today, when I heard this song did I really think about him. I don't think since I have no longer talked to him have I heard a song from this band. Well, there it was on Sirius on my way home.

You know what I did? I turned it up full volume and enjoyed it because for once, he wasn't singing it.